Pre-Transplant

As my operation day nears I am filled with anxiety and a little bit of fear. It is, after all, a major operation. At least I face this challenge prepared and without the slightest bit of apprehension. Fear, perhaps, but not doubt that I truly want this surgery.

I shall be admitted (or as my mom would like to put it, I’ll “check-in”) in the hospital for at least a week. Thereafter, I expect to be bedridden for a number of days. Thus, I shall stay out of touch from this blog for a certain period of time. I shall miss this of course. I’ll still try to post one last entry before I go to the hospital, but until then, good bye for now!

Hodgepodge of thoughts

Today was my baby niece’s baptism. It was a joyous occasion for us especially since this was the first baptism of a ‘pamangkin’ in our immediate family. Thus, everyone got involved in the preparations and the celebration. I, myself, was asked to be a godfather to the child (God bless her soul!). These are moments when I feel so old already. And these moments truly give me a sign – to move on without necessarily having to let go.

***

I have a scar that reminds me I’m not normal. I look at it every now and then and it reminds me, not of pain, but of reality.

Thus, it is said, “My child, when I tell you to, ‘Ask and you shall receive. Seek and you shall find. Knock and the door shall be opened for you,’ I do not advise you to ask, seek and knock but once or twice. Rather, I invite you to persevere. And through perseverance, the Lord grants at the right place and the right time.”

***

Right after my kidney transplant, my room needs to be really clean and germ-free because my doctor told me that I would be prone to infection. Thus, I have started my mission of reorganizing my room and tidying up all my things in it for it be ready for post operation. Over the years, all the papers and folders and little belongings of mine seem to have just piled up into a huge mess on the floor and on top of my table. As I was going through my things, I realized why my things are always so messy – I like to keep little mementos of different memories and they all end up like clutter! I have kept so many ID’s, notes passed during class, pictures, cutouts from magazines, little figurines and so many others that I don’t know where to place anymore!
Perhaps sometimes, it’s hard for me to let go of things that would make me remember cherished memories. I should learn to let go of these earthly things and merely hold on to the memories that will last forever.

***

Here’s a very inspirational text message that a friend sent me: (Thanks R!)

Sometimes if you work hard enough, you can get what you want. But most times, what you want and what you get are two different things. Sometimes, God breaks our spirit to save our soul. Sometimes, He breaks our heart to make us whole. Sometimes, God sends us pain so we can be stronger. Although we can’t have everything we want, we can want everything we have.

Please

Please spare me the agony of prolonged pain and suffering.
Please let me move on and let time pass by swiftly.
Please let me be in solitude as I find peace in myself.
Please give me a moment to weep alone while hiding.

I know in the end it’s not entirely up to me.
But for now, please spare me and let me be.

Play

A good basketball game can have us all in the edge of our seats.
Games are all about the glory,
the pain and the play-by-play.
And then there are the more solitary games
The games we each play by ourselves
The social games, the mind games --
we use them to pass time,
to make life more interesting
to distract us from what’s really going on.

There are those of us who love to play games
Any game
And there are those of us who like to play
a little too much.

So go ahead, argue with the refs, change the rules, cheat a little.
Take a break and tend to your wounds.
But play.
Play.
Play hard, play fast.
Play loose and free.
Play as if there’s no tomorrow.
Okay, it’s not whether you win or lose.
It’s how you play the game.

- Grey’s Anatomy, Episode 22 Season 2

Moving Out and Moving On

Moving Out.
A couple of days ago, I went back to my apartment in Makati where I stayed for my final semester in Law School and during bar review period. My lease contract was about to expire, thus I went that day to fix my things and get them ready for moving out. I was setting aside all my (numerous) books and reviewers, throwing all the trash (mostly photocopied materials I never got to read), and of course, reminiscing all the good and bad memories through mementos I’ve kept the entire year. I never thought I’d say this considering I left my apartment and all the things in it behind abruptly right after my last Bar exam, but damn will I really miss this place.

My apartment was the place where I felt most normal – I was alone, independent, honest and healthy. It was a place where I became the most studious and most courageous. It was a place where I actually had time for myself. It was also a venue for our poker nights and even a class party way back during our sophomore year in law school.

That day, I was preparing all my things to get them ready for moving out and start moving on.

Moving On.
A couple of weeks have passed since the final Sunday of the bar exams. I have spent most of my time preparing for my upcoming and much needed kidney transplant. If everything goes well, I’d have my operation by the end of this month.

All my work-ups for the transplant just got on fast track as soon as I was through with the bar. I found myself going to hospitals for different tests, I had longer dialysis, and my doctor and nurses were closely monitoring me to make sure that I keep myself fit to undergo surgery. I was doing my part of the job by preparing myself physically, mentally and spiritually. I had some time for myself to intake everything that’s happening right now and have come to terms with myself and my fate. I realized that my life has always been a case of delayed gratification. That’s what’s my life has always been about. I know everything will come at the right time – not necessarily MY time, but right nonetheless. As of the moment, I just have to learn to move on and go with the flow.

Of typhoons, babies, fight club and school spirit

Let it be put on record that September 28, 2006 is the day super typhoon ‘Milenyo’ struck Metro Manila and nearby provinces thus wreaking havoc to the said areas. Now everything has been said and written about the calamity: the day-long brownouts (or is it black outs?), the cut-off water supply (which is more important: electricity or water?), the destructive billboards (Bayani Fernando’s now singing “Told you so!”), all the uprooted and cut trees that blocked the roads (our pili and caimito trees included) and all the people who became either stranded (in road traffic or otherwise) or homeless. I guess I don’t want to reiterate those things any longer (Oh, but I just did!). I just wanted to immortalize the day Milenyo fell upon our country because PAG-ASA said that a typhoon this strong hasn’t hit the Metro in the last eleven years. Here’s a fave quote I heard while I was listening to the news: “Calamities can bring out the best and the worst out of people.” Indeed, indeed.

***

Because of the brownout, my brother, my sister-in-law and my barely 2-month old niece went to our house to stay here for a while. I was evicted from the room I was staying at but it was nonetheless a pleasant experience as I found myself enjoying the company of my baby niece (my soon-to-be inaanak!). I was never fond of babies. Perhaps it’s because I’m the youngest in the family. I’M supposed to be the baby. But having my niece around and actually taking care of her (I held a baby for the first time!) makes me feel more responsible and mature. And besides, she’s just so damn adorable! Thus, let it be put on record that I am officially no longer the baby of the family. I have relinquished my throne and have gladly passed it on to my niece.

***

Last Saturday was also the first time I went out with my friends since the bar ended. It was such a big sigh of relief since I either just stayed at home to rest or go to the hospital for check-up or treatment since the final Sunday of the bar. And yes, let it be put on record (as I have already mentioned before) that Fight Club really rocks! And last Saturday, we even had recruits. He he! It’s nice to know that you have loyal friends who will be there for you no matter what. I know that it’ll be quite a while till we have our next ‘meeting’ but for now, the last one will get me through…

***

And finally, let it be put on record that WIN OR LOSE, ATENEO IS THE SCHOOL I CHOOSE. It was definitely a heart-breaking event watching the Ateneo Seniors Basketball team lose against UST in the Finals today. Ateneo definitely plays with a lot of passion and a big heart. The team was having such a brilliant game but somehow, the UST Tigers snatched the championship from them.
I was once part of a varsity team for Ateneo and I definitely still have the school spirit until now. It was a sad defeat but Ateneo still won the hearts of many when it fought until it could and stood tall when it fell short in the end.

So tell me...

...When does all the hardship end? You’d think that after the end of a season comes new hope and new light but what it brings is only another set of issues to deal with and problems to face.
So tell me...When will man ever get contented?
When is the end REALLY the end?

oOo

Society is a masquerade ball where everybody hides his real character… and reveals it by hiding.

Thoughts about Post Bar

And now it all comes down to this. The final Sunday of the Bar. The last hurdle.

While I feel ecstatic about all the free time in the world and how I wouldn't be burdened with endless studying any longer, I can't help but feel a bit melancholic, perhaps even cheesy. I guess I've gotten so used to my routine already that I don't know how to face the "real world" anymore. And besides, I long for regularity. I long for comfort zones. I long for friends and familiar faces that I've really gotten used to these past four and a half years in law school.

Who knows what life will be after the bar? I guess we'll never know for sure. Will I still see all my friends? Will I be accepted openly in my new journey that lies ahead?

It's so hard to accept that the four and a half years just went by so quickly. A new phase awaits. But for now, I'll just try to focus on the present. Gotta hit on those books for my LAST (i hope!) FREAKING BAR EXAMS I will take this Sunday.

The Unmistakable You

You, whom I have not seen nor touched but have heard and have spoken to.
You, whom I have not known for long but can calm like a best friend.
You, whom I'd like to know better but I'd prefer you not know me entirely.
You, whom I have not lied to but have withheld from.
You, whom I can't let go but must let wait.
You, whom I wasn't looking for (not now) but came into my life unexpectedly.
Yes, YOU, the unmistakable you.

Today...

Today was definitely not a good day.

Everyone's spirits were just down. The morale was at an all-time low. It seems such an impossible task to finish studying the entire Civil Code and the Tax Code in time for this Sunday's exams. And I just want to get this Bar season over and done with...

I can't seem to concentrate that well while I'm studying because all the fear and panic just suddenly creep in. Add to that all the stress and the pagod and puyat. And lest we forget, all my damn health issues...

It's just been a really tough day. The night is young. It may get better. Maybe get to finish my reading goals for the day (haha, i wish!)

On a side note, please wait for these Posts once I get to finish all my exams. I've been dying to post em but they just need a bit more editing: I'm such a George Part 2 and The Blessing Called Sickness Parts 2 and 3. I can't wait! hehe. At last, something to look forward to...

Mixed Emotions...

Wow, has it been that long since i last posted a blog? Yeah, I guess so...

I've been writing stuff in my PocketPC for the last few weeks and I just haven't been able to post them here because of the unavailability of internet access. Maybe some time after the bar, I'd post em and make them retroact to the date I actually wrote them :)

Speaking of the Bar, IT"S JUST A WEEK AWAY! Damn, I'm really panicking. Actually, it's mixed emotions for me. On one hand, I wish I had more time to do more reading and memorizing. And on the other, I just want to get this freaking over with. I dunno, I dunno... Right now, i'm just praying that everything will go smoothly.

Just a side note, I've started having dialysis for the past three weeks. Damn, the needles really hurt. But my doctor says I need it. I just hope it'll help me have more strength when I take my exams.

Til next time. Maybe after a month when the bar season is over. I'll miss you. (hehe)

Just because...

So sue me if i just copied this from rose's blog (who just copied it from pao's)... =)

1. Last person who wrote you a testimonial?
I don't really get to check my friendster anymore...

2. Last movie you watched?
Nacho Libre! Wild! It's soooo funny! But dapat mababaw kaligayahan mo.

3. What do people first notice when they see you?
That i'm tall, dark and handsome... If not those qualities, i'm sure they'll remember my laugh.

4. Do you like peanut-butter?
Not really.

5. Most memorable place?
MTM =)

6. Do you read comics?
Who doesn't?

7. What's your favourite restaurant?
Anywhere that has good pasta and Japanese food (I swear, I'm eating my heart out when i'm off this no-salt diet!)

8. Do you have enemies?
Yes, but even they are my friends too!

9. You like to go out grocery shopping?
Not really...

10. Can you dance?
Yup, definitely! I even beat my friend, Mon, once in a dance showdown.

11. Do you believe in God?
Yes, He who has given my life.

12. First thing to do when you wake up tomorrow?
Sleep some more!

13. Where are you right now?
In an internet cafe near my apartment.

14. Your name spelled backwards
spawgspyaj

15. Where were you born?
Medical Center, Manila

16. What is the last thing you downloaded?
Hmm, I don't really like downloading that much.

18. Are you registered to vote?
Of course!

19. Do you have a car?
One that I regularly use? Yup, his name is Tuscany.

20. Do you like rollercoasters?
Love them!

21. Chattin with...?
No one as of the moment.

22. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
Uhm... I'm actually acrophobic... I'm scared of heights.

23. Are you shy?
Yes, when I'm asleep.

24. Do you think you're popular?
Eew, how high school!

25. Chips or popcorn?
(Assuming that I'm no longer in my no-salt diet) Popcorn!

26. Are you a good cook?
In my dreams.

27. Best thing in the world?
Those that are free. hehe

28. Have you ever broken a bone?
I'm not exactly good with biology, but having your finger bones diclocated doesn't get them broken right? Well, in that case, nope.

29. Have you ever won a trophy?
Yeah!

30. What is your favorite board game?
I loooove board games! Scene It's the best for me.

31. Do you bake cakes?
Not... I know how to make polvoron though. Does that count?

32. Last thing you bought at a pharmacy?
Oh my, you wouldn't want to know ALL my medicines for my health issues!

33. Do you believe in love at first sight?
Not really...

34. What's your favorite song right now?
Hehe, MTM!

35. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
around 6?

36. Last song stuck in your head?
Angels Brought Me Here by Carrie Underwood. It was the last song I heard from my Ipod while I was studying earlier.

37. Any pets?
Yup! 1 dog, Choi. And 2 adorable puppies, Sammie and Cookie.

38. Worst Local TV show as of the moment?
Majika. Sorry to all its fans. I'm a ka-pamilya.

39. Color of most clothes you own?
Grey. (My favorite color!) Next would be blue.

40. Whose picture(s) do you carry in your wallet?
My family. And my creative grad pics from college and law school.

The Blessing Called Sickness Part 2

My doctor, who was kind and understanding enough of my situation, gave me two options. First, I could undergo my kidney transplant as soon as possible, forego first the bar this year and recuperate just in time to take the bar the following year. And second, I could exert extra effort and pursue the bar examinations this year but in the meantime, I will be under close monitor of my health and I would undergo dialysis treatment should the need arise.

I prayed real hard about my options. I consulted my family and friends. As expected, I got conflicting opinions from them. On one side, some maintained the cliché of “Health is wealth” argument coupled with the fact that the bar examinations will always be there for me. On the other side, some encouraged me to try my best to take the exam this year while all my legal knowledge was still fresh on my mind.

I was really confused. And deeply troubled. Part of my depression was not knowing what to do. I knew it would all end up with me making a decision for myself. To make matters worse, my parents as of that time, were abroad so I couldn’t exactly make a decision until I finally had the chance to consult with them.

My parents got back from abroad just in time for my graduation from law school. Thus, when they arrived, there wasn’t much time for serious talking. I guess they wanted me to celebrate first before confronting the situation. But as soon as the festivities ended, we were back to reality. I found myself consulting the doctor again, this time accompanied by my mom.

After my visit to the doctor, my mom and I talked over lunch. But it wasn’t the conversation I expected. No serious remarks, no witty advices, no nothing – just pure simple love and affection which I needed the most. My mom just asked me what I really wanted and things just sort of fell into place. I was ready to face the bar.

I remember my mom asking me if I was depressed about the whole situation. I wanted to say “Duh” but the managed to say “No” instead. Looking back, I guess I did say the correct answer. I still have my days of questioning the reason for all of this. But then I realized all the blessings of sickness: the love and support of my family and friends, the power of prayer, a healthier relationship with God and a whole new outlook in life.

Read Me When You're Having a Bad Day

"Beautiful lives don't just happen. They are made, every single day, with much love, prayer and sacrifice. The many tasks we face each day can burden and oppress; but spending time with God each day can bring relief from stress. Let us be reminded that in the end, only three things matter: how fully you lived, how deeply you loved, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you."

I'm such a George

I was a nobody in high school. As a kid, I was neither in or out. I was just there.
Now, I am not just anybody but at least I AM somebody.

I may not be the best but I know I'm good enough. And at least I'm happy.

I can step up my game if I have to. I may not be able to do open heart surgery in a stuck elevator but I can help you sue if you ever get stuck in one.

I'm easy-going and i'm the least competitive among all the competitive people in the world.

I'm good natured. I can be so naive. But I hurt easily too. I just don't know how to show it.

Neither is it easy for me to show my true feelings for people. Deep down, I'm really shy.

I may not be the person to do the "guy chores" at home. I'm not one to kill a turkey with my dad and two brothers. But it's just because i don't want to. I can honestly change a flat tire or fix the television if i have to.

I've got my Meredith, Izzie and Cristina in law school. And we have our own fight club.

The Blessing Called Sickness (Part 1)

Despite my knowledge of my serious kidney disease for the past five years, it still came in as a shock for me when my doctor informed me that I needed my kidney transplant soon. It was as if the world just suddenly froze for a minute and I thought to myself that this wasn’t happening. Not to me. Not now. At least not yet…

It was last April on a hot summer afternoon. I was with my older sister who was a doctor. And the sad part was, I was fresh out of law school. After four grueling years, I thought I was free from all my problems and issues in life. I would finally have all the time for myself even just for a while. And then the news came in.

Perhaps during the five years I knew of my sickness, I was in the state of denial. I went on with my life. I went to law school, I played sports here and there, I continued with all the late nights of beer and fun. Or perhaps I was just putting it off to another time. Something like crossing the bridge when I get there. If there was no pain, there was no sickness. And there was indeed no pain.

At any rate, I was shocked. Stunned. Scared out of my wits. But more than anything else, I was saddened and depressed. I was to take the bar in a few months’ time and I didn’t need any bad news.

I wonder what got me started...

Shit, I don't know how and where to begin.

I've always been into writing for as long as I can remember. Rather, I've always been into that "wanting-to-write" stage. I'd come up with different nice topics to write about and great ways to start them but I always just leave them hanging.

I recently got to talk to a good friend who's into this kind of thing. I scribbled down the address of his blog and I realized that I've done this a couple of times before with some other friends. I just haven't had the time to actually read my friends' blogs.

I just read some blogs over the week and I felt inspired. =)

So, as you can see, I have been influenced by my friends. I don't exactly know if this is the best time to start my blog. I'm reviewing for the bar exams this September and I think I should be concentrating on my studies.

But I guess I would also need this blog time so I can relax and unwind a bit and just pour out my thoughts. It's "me" time, as my friends call it.

I hope this is a start of an eventful journey.