Have you?

Have you ever felt as if your life just suddenly came to a perfect standstill? And you’re this stranger from the outside looking in. You explore the inner depths of your soul and you realize you never really knew the person you thought yourself to be.

You then tend to see things in a different light. You change your views on your current relationships. You’re inclined towards analyzing a little more than usual. You begin to worry a bit more over the simplest of things. And you start to be anxious about the future…

So, have you ever felt as if your life just came to a perfect standstill?

I have.

Nothing’s happening.

But everything’s changing.

I, The Super Villain!

Your results:
You are Apocalypse

Apocalypse 74% Riddler 68% The Joker 65% Lex Luthor 65% Magneto 64% Dr. Doom 64% Mr. Freeze 54% Juggernaut 53% Catwoman 50% Kingpin 48% Poison Ivy 45% Mystique 45% Dark Phoenix 45% Green Goblin 41% Two-Face 41% Venom 34%

You believe in survival of the fittest and you believe that you are the fittest.

Click here to take the "Which Super Villain am I?" quiz...


I just got this from a friend's blog. :)At least despite all my health issues, I still feel strong! Mwahahaha! I shall rule the world!

Welcome back, Jayps!

So, I guess I’m writing again, huh? I don’t really have any explanation for this hiatus of mine. I haven’t been that sick or disabled to be able to write on a piece of paper or type on my laptop. I had all the time in the world whip up a literary masterpiece. And though I had some problems with my internet connection, I could have just written and saved them for posting on a later date. So what’s the real reason? I really don’t know. I told a friend of mine that perhaps it’s when you have so much time in your hands that you suddenly feel so lazy and all the creative juices in you just come to a temporary halt. No matter what the real reason is, at least I’m back! :-)

SOHMA (State of My Health Address)

This entry would definitely need a proper update on my life, i.e. the state of my health. As of now, I’m definitely feeling a lot much better physically. I’m still regularly seeing my doctors for check-ups and I’m still officially ‘under observation.’ (I feel like I’m the subject of an experiment!) I had some serious bouts with all kinds of ‘pains’ last late November and early December though. I had fever, severe back pain, acne (!), stomach ache and others which I would rather not mention nor describe in this blog. (No, they have nothing to do with the reproductive organs, mind you. Clue: One concerns what I do in the CMO. Hehe!) My doctors told me they were either infections or side effects of the medicines I take. Luckily, I was spared during the Christmas season up until today from all those and I’m feeling pretty much normal again. I can go around the house now but I still can’t go out with friends. I sometimes get to go to the mall with my family but I still have to wear my facemask – something I’ve gotten used to already. So basically, I’m still a bum at home perpetually watching TV or some DVD’s when I’m bored. Thank you Wonder Years, Grey’s Anatomy, One Tree Hill, Prison Break, Twilight Zone and Early Edition for keeping me company. And I’ll keep on saying this – thank you to all you guys who have been very supportive and have been praying for me all this time. I draw the strength that I need to survive each day from all of you.

The Unfinished Song in my Head

I don’t mind all the pain
It doesn’t really matter
I don’t care how long the wait
I can see me through

What matters is I’m living
The life that I’ve been given
All I know is
That I’m taking this
Just one day at a time

And, oh, I know
Your face will show
I don’t care how long
I have to wait
I know you will see me through

I don’t mind all the pain
It doesn’t really matter…

And The Finished Song Written Some Years Back

A Better Man

Morning comes
And I gladly wake up
I get out of bed
And I eagerly wait your call
I put on my best suit
I’m filled up with attitude.
(You know why?)

*‘Coz you-- make me want to be a better man
Yes, you—make me want to be a better man
I do all these great things
I write songs only for you
Come on over embrace me
(All) My love is for you…*

And through the day
My thoughts are only for you
Through all my work
I do my best just for you
I say only kind words
I do only good deeds
(You know why?)

And nighttime comes
As I am about to sleep
I wish nothing else
But to get to talk to you

I look through my day
And I’m glad I spent it with you
My day is complete
And my life is too
(It’s simple)

(I love you, Lord
And I’m so glad that You are mine.)

(2004)

Project: Top 10

I came across a Pugad Baboy comic book given to me by my siblings for my birthday last year and it was the edition that celebrated its tenth anniversary. The comic strips were definitely hilarious, but what really caught my attention was the “Top 10” list of all the characters of Pugad Baboy scattered throughout the comics. It listed the “favorites” of each character which were just about anything under the sun. These varied from food (Kisses with almonds) to famous people (Rosanna Roces) to TV shows (Cristy Per Minute) to the most bizarre of things (smell of sautéed garlic, freshly sharpened Mongol penicls). In short these things were what represented each character – things they are particularly known for and things they value most.

Thus, I started a journey of my own Project: Top 10. And I became disappointed as soon as I found out that I could not actually list ten things which were truly ME. Most were 'sometimes' me, others were really me but 'only at a particular time'. I did what a logical person would do: I still listed all of them down (all 70+ of them!) and I set a criteria and “judged” each of these things to determine if they were indeed me. The criteria I used: How-much-I-like-you Factor 40%, Forever-likeability Factor 30%, Memories-included Factor 20%, and Representative-of-me Factor 10%.

And now, I present to you, MY TOP TEN (in no particular order):

1. Giraffes
2. Word Games
3. Starbucks Tall Hot Chocolate
4. Monster’s Inc.
5. Group Dynamics
6. Spaghetti
7. Tagaytay
8. Survivor
9. Puppies
10. Onions

If you would please let me indulge a bit, I have a few runner-ups which I would have really wanted to be included in the list but they just won’t fit. Hehe. Here are the runner-ups (again, in no particular order):

11. Flavored fries
12. My college tambayan
13. Videoke
14. Old school heavy metal
15. Grey’s Anatomy
16. Volleyball
17. Taekwondo
18. Noon time shows
19. Grey
20. Daily Mass

(written some time December 2006)

Kidneys Gone...Better (?)

(written November 11, 2006)

Roughly three weeks have passed since my kidney operation and two weeks since I got discharged from the hospital and living in exile here in my room. Though I am still under the close observation of my kidney doctor and transplant surgeon, I could say that I’m making progress in my post-operation recovery. My new kidney seems to be hyperactive such that I need comfort room breaks every now and then, but I was informed it’s better than being rejected and inactive. My laboratory tests indicate that my kidney functioning is almost normal. And my operation wound still aches a bit but not like before when I needed morphine for the pain. Thus far, I am thankful for a successful operation without any complications.

I have been living in recluse mainly because of some medicines that I take. These are my anti-rejection pills or immuno-suppressants which affect my body’s immune system or defense mechanism against sickness. It makes me very prone to infection. Thus, my doctors have advised me to stay only in my room (with the sole exception of going to the hospital for lab tests and regular consultations with my doctors), avoid too much contact with people, wear a medical face mask and maintain an utterly clean and germ-free surrounding.

Here inside my room, I am cable TV-less, internet-less, landline phone-less and in loneliness! Being a true kapamilya (and for lack of better TV shows to watch), I now regularly view the daily episodes of Game KNB?, Wowowee, TV Patrol and Deal or No Deal. I have read a number of books and thanks to the recommendation of a friend, I was captivated in the world of dragons and magic by reading the books Eragon and Eldest by Christopher Paolini. I have recently started my DVD marathons as well with the recent episodes of Grey’s Anatomy’s latest season and the first season of Prison Break. And let us not forget that I eat and sleep more nowadays.

Life has been a bit boring especially since I was used to being such an active on-the-go person before my operation. But nonetheless, I am extremely grateful and I feel especially blessed that everything's going well with my new kidney. I just read in this month's issue of Reader's Digest that, "Nearly 10,000 Filipinos with chronic kidney disease need a transplant, but fewer than ten per cent are likely to receive one." This time in solitude has actually made me appreciate life even more.

***

Immediately after my operation, I had so many thoughts on what to write in my blog. But alas, i feel that the time somehow prescribed for those thoughts of mine to be put into writing. All I have left are my surreal memories of how I went through the transplant.

Lastly, let me take this opportunity say a big THANK YOU to all those who gave their support and prayers - I definitely could not have braved the storm without you guys.

Pre-Transplant

As my operation day nears I am filled with anxiety and a little bit of fear. It is, after all, a major operation. At least I face this challenge prepared and without the slightest bit of apprehension. Fear, perhaps, but not doubt that I truly want this surgery.

I shall be admitted (or as my mom would like to put it, I’ll “check-in”) in the hospital for at least a week. Thereafter, I expect to be bedridden for a number of days. Thus, I shall stay out of touch from this blog for a certain period of time. I shall miss this of course. I’ll still try to post one last entry before I go to the hospital, but until then, good bye for now!

Hodgepodge of thoughts

Today was my baby niece’s baptism. It was a joyous occasion for us especially since this was the first baptism of a ‘pamangkin’ in our immediate family. Thus, everyone got involved in the preparations and the celebration. I, myself, was asked to be a godfather to the child (God bless her soul!). These are moments when I feel so old already. And these moments truly give me a sign – to move on without necessarily having to let go.

***

I have a scar that reminds me I’m not normal. I look at it every now and then and it reminds me, not of pain, but of reality.

Thus, it is said, “My child, when I tell you to, ‘Ask and you shall receive. Seek and you shall find. Knock and the door shall be opened for you,’ I do not advise you to ask, seek and knock but once or twice. Rather, I invite you to persevere. And through perseverance, the Lord grants at the right place and the right time.”

***

Right after my kidney transplant, my room needs to be really clean and germ-free because my doctor told me that I would be prone to infection. Thus, I have started my mission of reorganizing my room and tidying up all my things in it for it be ready for post operation. Over the years, all the papers and folders and little belongings of mine seem to have just piled up into a huge mess on the floor and on top of my table. As I was going through my things, I realized why my things are always so messy – I like to keep little mementos of different memories and they all end up like clutter! I have kept so many ID’s, notes passed during class, pictures, cutouts from magazines, little figurines and so many others that I don’t know where to place anymore!
Perhaps sometimes, it’s hard for me to let go of things that would make me remember cherished memories. I should learn to let go of these earthly things and merely hold on to the memories that will last forever.

***

Here’s a very inspirational text message that a friend sent me: (Thanks R!)

Sometimes if you work hard enough, you can get what you want. But most times, what you want and what you get are two different things. Sometimes, God breaks our spirit to save our soul. Sometimes, He breaks our heart to make us whole. Sometimes, God sends us pain so we can be stronger. Although we can’t have everything we want, we can want everything we have.

Please

Please spare me the agony of prolonged pain and suffering.
Please let me move on and let time pass by swiftly.
Please let me be in solitude as I find peace in myself.
Please give me a moment to weep alone while hiding.

I know in the end it’s not entirely up to me.
But for now, please spare me and let me be.

Play

A good basketball game can have us all in the edge of our seats.
Games are all about the glory,
the pain and the play-by-play.
And then there are the more solitary games
The games we each play by ourselves
The social games, the mind games --
we use them to pass time,
to make life more interesting
to distract us from what’s really going on.

There are those of us who love to play games
Any game
And there are those of us who like to play
a little too much.

So go ahead, argue with the refs, change the rules, cheat a little.
Take a break and tend to your wounds.
But play.
Play.
Play hard, play fast.
Play loose and free.
Play as if there’s no tomorrow.
Okay, it’s not whether you win or lose.
It’s how you play the game.

- Grey’s Anatomy, Episode 22 Season 2

Moving Out and Moving On

Moving Out.
A couple of days ago, I went back to my apartment in Makati where I stayed for my final semester in Law School and during bar review period. My lease contract was about to expire, thus I went that day to fix my things and get them ready for moving out. I was setting aside all my (numerous) books and reviewers, throwing all the trash (mostly photocopied materials I never got to read), and of course, reminiscing all the good and bad memories through mementos I’ve kept the entire year. I never thought I’d say this considering I left my apartment and all the things in it behind abruptly right after my last Bar exam, but damn will I really miss this place.

My apartment was the place where I felt most normal – I was alone, independent, honest and healthy. It was a place where I became the most studious and most courageous. It was a place where I actually had time for myself. It was also a venue for our poker nights and even a class party way back during our sophomore year in law school.

That day, I was preparing all my things to get them ready for moving out and start moving on.

Moving On.
A couple of weeks have passed since the final Sunday of the bar exams. I have spent most of my time preparing for my upcoming and much needed kidney transplant. If everything goes well, I’d have my operation by the end of this month.

All my work-ups for the transplant just got on fast track as soon as I was through with the bar. I found myself going to hospitals for different tests, I had longer dialysis, and my doctor and nurses were closely monitoring me to make sure that I keep myself fit to undergo surgery. I was doing my part of the job by preparing myself physically, mentally and spiritually. I had some time for myself to intake everything that’s happening right now and have come to terms with myself and my fate. I realized that my life has always been a case of delayed gratification. That’s what’s my life has always been about. I know everything will come at the right time – not necessarily MY time, but right nonetheless. As of the moment, I just have to learn to move on and go with the flow.

Of typhoons, babies, fight club and school spirit

Let it be put on record that September 28, 2006 is the day super typhoon ‘Milenyo’ struck Metro Manila and nearby provinces thus wreaking havoc to the said areas. Now everything has been said and written about the calamity: the day-long brownouts (or is it black outs?), the cut-off water supply (which is more important: electricity or water?), the destructive billboards (Bayani Fernando’s now singing “Told you so!”), all the uprooted and cut trees that blocked the roads (our pili and caimito trees included) and all the people who became either stranded (in road traffic or otherwise) or homeless. I guess I don’t want to reiterate those things any longer (Oh, but I just did!). I just wanted to immortalize the day Milenyo fell upon our country because PAG-ASA said that a typhoon this strong hasn’t hit the Metro in the last eleven years. Here’s a fave quote I heard while I was listening to the news: “Calamities can bring out the best and the worst out of people.” Indeed, indeed.

***

Because of the brownout, my brother, my sister-in-law and my barely 2-month old niece went to our house to stay here for a while. I was evicted from the room I was staying at but it was nonetheless a pleasant experience as I found myself enjoying the company of my baby niece (my soon-to-be inaanak!). I was never fond of babies. Perhaps it’s because I’m the youngest in the family. I’M supposed to be the baby. But having my niece around and actually taking care of her (I held a baby for the first time!) makes me feel more responsible and mature. And besides, she’s just so damn adorable! Thus, let it be put on record that I am officially no longer the baby of the family. I have relinquished my throne and have gladly passed it on to my niece.

***

Last Saturday was also the first time I went out with my friends since the bar ended. It was such a big sigh of relief since I either just stayed at home to rest or go to the hospital for check-up or treatment since the final Sunday of the bar. And yes, let it be put on record (as I have already mentioned before) that Fight Club really rocks! And last Saturday, we even had recruits. He he! It’s nice to know that you have loyal friends who will be there for you no matter what. I know that it’ll be quite a while till we have our next ‘meeting’ but for now, the last one will get me through…

***

And finally, let it be put on record that WIN OR LOSE, ATENEO IS THE SCHOOL I CHOOSE. It was definitely a heart-breaking event watching the Ateneo Seniors Basketball team lose against UST in the Finals today. Ateneo definitely plays with a lot of passion and a big heart. The team was having such a brilliant game but somehow, the UST Tigers snatched the championship from them.
I was once part of a varsity team for Ateneo and I definitely still have the school spirit until now. It was a sad defeat but Ateneo still won the hearts of many when it fought until it could and stood tall when it fell short in the end.

So tell me...

...When does all the hardship end? You’d think that after the end of a season comes new hope and new light but what it brings is only another set of issues to deal with and problems to face.
So tell me...When will man ever get contented?
When is the end REALLY the end?

oOo

Society is a masquerade ball where everybody hides his real character… and reveals it by hiding.

Thoughts about Post Bar

And now it all comes down to this. The final Sunday of the Bar. The last hurdle.

While I feel ecstatic about all the free time in the world and how I wouldn't be burdened with endless studying any longer, I can't help but feel a bit melancholic, perhaps even cheesy. I guess I've gotten so used to my routine already that I don't know how to face the "real world" anymore. And besides, I long for regularity. I long for comfort zones. I long for friends and familiar faces that I've really gotten used to these past four and a half years in law school.

Who knows what life will be after the bar? I guess we'll never know for sure. Will I still see all my friends? Will I be accepted openly in my new journey that lies ahead?

It's so hard to accept that the four and a half years just went by so quickly. A new phase awaits. But for now, I'll just try to focus on the present. Gotta hit on those books for my LAST (i hope!) FREAKING BAR EXAMS I will take this Sunday.

The Unmistakable You

You, whom I have not seen nor touched but have heard and have spoken to.
You, whom I have not known for long but can calm like a best friend.
You, whom I'd like to know better but I'd prefer you not know me entirely.
You, whom I have not lied to but have withheld from.
You, whom I can't let go but must let wait.
You, whom I wasn't looking for (not now) but came into my life unexpectedly.
Yes, YOU, the unmistakable you.

Today...

Today was definitely not a good day.

Everyone's spirits were just down. The morale was at an all-time low. It seems such an impossible task to finish studying the entire Civil Code and the Tax Code in time for this Sunday's exams. And I just want to get this Bar season over and done with...

I can't seem to concentrate that well while I'm studying because all the fear and panic just suddenly creep in. Add to that all the stress and the pagod and puyat. And lest we forget, all my damn health issues...

It's just been a really tough day. The night is young. It may get better. Maybe get to finish my reading goals for the day (haha, i wish!)

On a side note, please wait for these Posts once I get to finish all my exams. I've been dying to post em but they just need a bit more editing: I'm such a George Part 2 and The Blessing Called Sickness Parts 2 and 3. I can't wait! hehe. At last, something to look forward to...

Mixed Emotions...

Wow, has it been that long since i last posted a blog? Yeah, I guess so...

I've been writing stuff in my PocketPC for the last few weeks and I just haven't been able to post them here because of the unavailability of internet access. Maybe some time after the bar, I'd post em and make them retroact to the date I actually wrote them :)

Speaking of the Bar, IT"S JUST A WEEK AWAY! Damn, I'm really panicking. Actually, it's mixed emotions for me. On one hand, I wish I had more time to do more reading and memorizing. And on the other, I just want to get this freaking over with. I dunno, I dunno... Right now, i'm just praying that everything will go smoothly.

Just a side note, I've started having dialysis for the past three weeks. Damn, the needles really hurt. But my doctor says I need it. I just hope it'll help me have more strength when I take my exams.

Til next time. Maybe after a month when the bar season is over. I'll miss you. (hehe)

Just because...

So sue me if i just copied this from rose's blog (who just copied it from pao's)... =)

1. Last person who wrote you a testimonial?
I don't really get to check my friendster anymore...

2. Last movie you watched?
Nacho Libre! Wild! It's soooo funny! But dapat mababaw kaligayahan mo.

3. What do people first notice when they see you?
That i'm tall, dark and handsome... If not those qualities, i'm sure they'll remember my laugh.

4. Do you like peanut-butter?
Not really.

5. Most memorable place?
MTM =)

6. Do you read comics?
Who doesn't?

7. What's your favourite restaurant?
Anywhere that has good pasta and Japanese food (I swear, I'm eating my heart out when i'm off this no-salt diet!)

8. Do you have enemies?
Yes, but even they are my friends too!

9. You like to go out grocery shopping?
Not really...

10. Can you dance?
Yup, definitely! I even beat my friend, Mon, once in a dance showdown.

11. Do you believe in God?
Yes, He who has given my life.

12. First thing to do when you wake up tomorrow?
Sleep some more!

13. Where are you right now?
In an internet cafe near my apartment.

14. Your name spelled backwards
spawgspyaj

15. Where were you born?
Medical Center, Manila

16. What is the last thing you downloaded?
Hmm, I don't really like downloading that much.

18. Are you registered to vote?
Of course!

19. Do you have a car?
One that I regularly use? Yup, his name is Tuscany.

20. Do you like rollercoasters?
Love them!

21. Chattin with...?
No one as of the moment.

22. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
Uhm... I'm actually acrophobic... I'm scared of heights.

23. Are you shy?
Yes, when I'm asleep.

24. Do you think you're popular?
Eew, how high school!

25. Chips or popcorn?
(Assuming that I'm no longer in my no-salt diet) Popcorn!

26. Are you a good cook?
In my dreams.

27. Best thing in the world?
Those that are free. hehe

28. Have you ever broken a bone?
I'm not exactly good with biology, but having your finger bones diclocated doesn't get them broken right? Well, in that case, nope.

29. Have you ever won a trophy?
Yeah!

30. What is your favorite board game?
I loooove board games! Scene It's the best for me.

31. Do you bake cakes?
Not... I know how to make polvoron though. Does that count?

32. Last thing you bought at a pharmacy?
Oh my, you wouldn't want to know ALL my medicines for my health issues!

33. Do you believe in love at first sight?
Not really...

34. What's your favorite song right now?
Hehe, MTM!

35. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
around 6?

36. Last song stuck in your head?
Angels Brought Me Here by Carrie Underwood. It was the last song I heard from my Ipod while I was studying earlier.

37. Any pets?
Yup! 1 dog, Choi. And 2 adorable puppies, Sammie and Cookie.

38. Worst Local TV show as of the moment?
Majika. Sorry to all its fans. I'm a ka-pamilya.

39. Color of most clothes you own?
Grey. (My favorite color!) Next would be blue.

40. Whose picture(s) do you carry in your wallet?
My family. And my creative grad pics from college and law school.