Exactly three weeks into unemployment and supposed liberation, and here I am wondering if I’m making the most out of all the free time I have in the world. Since I turned in my resignation letter early January, I have started making a list of all the things I need and want to do when I already have a much lighter schedule. I put the list on Shelley, my laptop, under the filename “Finally” and created a shortcut for it on my desktop for easy editing and reference. When I became officially unemployed and spent much time at home, I still update my “Finally” list, but I likewise have taped scratch paper and posted post-its on top of my table for me to write down whatever comes to my mind as to what I should do during my free time. I have made a list of people I need to meet up with, a number of places I have been longing to go to, and some activities that I love doing which I haven’t done for the longest time. Whenever I find myself bored or at a loss on what to do, I go back to my list to check if there’s anything to do there that I would fancy.
I don’t really know if I’ve accomplished much. There are still so many items in my list which remain uncrossed. But let me see… I’ve gone on an out of the country with some of my closest friends from law school. I’m finished with all the numerous tests which my doctor has asked me to take just to make sure that I’m in tip-top condition. (And they all turned out good, thank you very much, but that is a different blog entry). I’ve crossed out some people in my list whom I wish to talk to or meet up with. I’ve spent time bonding with my nieces. I’ve started reading and writing again albeit ever so slowly, but at least it’s a start, right? I’ve gone back to the gym, I’ve played tennis again and I’m running a 5k tomorrow (which I have been training for ever so diligently but I still don’t know if I can make it!). Lately, I’ve been able to get the “me” time I’ve always been longing for just to sit down and relax and ponder on life and the amusing things connected thereto. And I know there are a lot more things – little things - I have accomplished or have started doing which I couldn’t have done while I was still working.
I guess I’m doing okay.
I know it’s near impossible to do everything I wrote on my list. Perhaps I should start another list: Instead of “Finally,” I should create a “Make Time to Do These Things to Keep Your Sanity” list. I really should remember to take time out to do things that I love doing no matter how busy I get. I think that’s what I forgot to keep in mind when I was still with my old job.
I was sifting through some documents in my uber messy drawer this morning when I came across a Filipino short story which I wrote during my freshman year in college (if I'm not mistaken). I actually remember writing features, poems and short stories in Filipino as far back as when I was in Grade 4. For some reason, I seemed to have stopped writing in Filipino and honestly, I'm not sure anymore if I could do so. I don't think this short story of mine was one of my best works, but it's nice to bring back writing in one's native language.
Ang Tiyo Andoy Ko
Kay bait talaga sa ‘kin ng Tiyo Andoy ko! Ngayong umaga lang, nang bumisita siya sa amin ay nagdala siya ng pasalubong para sa akin! Pagpasok sa aking kwarto, nakita kong isang napakagandang barbie doll ang hawak-hawak niya.
“Para sa akin, Tiyo Andoy?”
“Siyempre para sa iyo lang ‘yan! Alam mo naming ikaw ang paborito kong pamangkin,” tugon ng Tiyo sabay bigay sa akin ng manika.
Agad kong hinaplos ang manika. Niyakap ko siyang parang sarili kong sanggol at sinuklay ko ang kanyang mahaba at malasutlang buhok.
“Ang kaibahan ng manikang iyan sa iba pang mga manikang ibinigay ko sa iyo ay puwede mo iyang hubaran at palitan ng damit,” dagdag pa ng aking tiyuhin.
Ipinakita niya sa akin ang iba pang magagarang kasuotan ng aking barbie. Tinulungan niya akong hubaran ang aking barbie at bihisan muli ng ibang damit. Sa bawat pagpalit ng kasuotan ay hinahaplos naming dalawa ang kagandahan ng mga kurba sa katawan ni Barbie.
Napadalas na ang pagbisita ni Tiyo Andoy sapagkat kinailangan ni Inay na magtrabaho pati sa gabi at ito naman ay aking ikinatuwa. Tinutulungan ako ni Tiyo na gawin ang aking mga assignment. Nauudyok akong mag-aral nang mabuti dahil sa bawat tama kong sagot ay ginagantimpalaan ako ng kendi o tsokoleyt o di kaya’y isa pang manika kung napakahirap ng tanong.
Isang gabi ay tinutulungan akong mag-aral ni Tiyo Andoy para sa eksam ko kinabukasan. Math pa man din ang aking eksam bukas, e dito ako pinakanahihirapan! Ilang katanungan na ni Tiyo ang hindi ko nasasagot at parang nag-iiba ang hitsura ng mukha niya. Ang dating nakangiti parati ay nakasimangot na ngayon.
“Akala ko ba’y matalino kang bata? Kay simple ng tanong e di mo masagutan?”
“E…gi…gi…ginaga…wa ko naman po ang a…a…king ma…ma…ka…kaya e,” tugon kong takot na takot. Hindi ko napansing ako pala ay lumuluha na.
“Ay siya, siya sige! Tumahan ka na at umupo ka na lang sa aking kandungan at tuturuan pa kita lalo.”
Guminhawa ang aking loob nang napansin kong hindi na siya galit. Kumandong ako kay Tiyo at inulit, “Talaga po? Tuturuan niyo pa ako?”
“
At sa kanyang tugon na iyon ay sumikip ang aking paghinga. Unang beses ko pa lang na umupo sa kandungan ng aking Tiyo. “Napakalapit pala n gaming mga katawan kung nakakandong ako sa kanya,” inisip ko sa sarili.
Nagsusulat ako’t nagsasagot ng mga equation sa Math nang hawakan ni Tiyo ang kamay kong may hawak na lapis. Pampaganda pa lalo ng penmanship, ika niya. Kinabahan ako ngunit hindi ko alam ang kadahilanan. Dumilim ang aking paligid at hindi ko na mabasa ang aking sinasagutan. Naramdaman kong lalong nagkadikit an gaming katawan at lalong hindi na ako makahinga. Napansin ko ang mga kurba sa katawan ng aking Barbie. Ngunit hindi na naman kami naglalaro, ‘di ba? Tinuturuan pa ako…
Ang dilim ng kuwarto…wala na akong makita. Wala na akong masagutan sa aking Math…
May kumatok sa pintuan ng aking kuwarto. Nang buksan ni Ina yang pintuan ay biglang lumiwanag ang buong silid. Nakito ko na lang na nahulog ni Inay ang hawak-hawak niyang tasa at nabasag ito.
There's this ongoing tagging and getting tagged in Facebook wherein one has to list 25 random things about himself/herself and I somehow got sucked into it (also because of all the free time I have right now). Here's my list and to my amazement, I actually had fun writing these stuff. The list could have actually gone on and on and on...
1.) I was diagnosed with chronic glumerulonephritis, a disease of the kidneys, when I was 19. It was discovered only by chance since I did not manifest any symptoms. Had I not found out about it, I could have had end stage renal disease without my knowing it, and it could have possibly led to death.
2.) I had my kidney transplant at the age of 25, right after graduating from law school and taking the bar. I currently have three kidneys. (No joke.)
3.) It absolutely pains me to see young children with life-threatening diseases. I see a lot whenever I go to the hospital (and that is quite often). I sometimes pray that I could bear their sicknesses so that they can enjoy life as a child.
4.) I have been part of five different varsity teams in my entire lifetime: karate, table tennis, track and field, volleyball and taekwondo. I consider myself as a very physical person – I love physical activities and I love being on the go. I enjoy trying out different sports.
5.) I smile and laugh a lot despite whatever hardships I face. I don’t really like showing people a sad face.
6.) I have the attention span of a ten-year old. I am easily distracted and dyslexic at times. During a lecture that would last hours, I’d normally be spacing out already during the first ten minutes. To be fair to me, I have mastered the art of pretending to be attentive at times when I have already zoned out.
7.) I don’t know why but I love giraffes! I have a collection of different giraffe stuff – from stuffed toys to keychains, stickers and whatnots. I want to have a pet giraffe someday who would greet me in the morning from the window of my room on the second or third floor.
8.) I am an absolute believer in the saying that “Grades are not the absolute measure of one’s ability.” I was never the studious type. However, my children in the future should be.
9.) I am ambidextrous. I write with my right hand. I wear my watch on my right hand. In sports, my left leg is my stronger leg. I can write with my left hand, though not as consistent as my right, but definitely more legible than other peoples’ right handwriting.
10.) I loooove to sleep. I can sleep the whole day and still have normal sleep at night. I can sleep in the most difficult of positions and situations. It is my frustration though, that I could not sleep while sitting down without my head leaning on something.
11.) Contrary to popular belief, I’m not an extremely extroverted person. I don’t know if I’m an introvert or an extrovert. When I was younger, I remember being a very shy kid. I’d hide inside my room whenever there were visitors at home because I didn’t like mingling with people. As I grew up, I learned to be more outgoing and more sociable but I always kept time for myself. Nowadays, I like being alone a lot. I can stay inside a coffee shop alone for hours reading, writing or just pondering. I can eat alone in restaurants and even watch a movie alone. I’d want to travel to another country alone in the future.
12.) I wasn’t an avid reader when I was younger. I think it was because I was such a slow reader and I’d often fall asleep right away while reading. I still am a slow reader (Imagine how hard it was for me to go through law school!) but I’ve become more patient and have managed to read a lot of books despite my snail’s pace. I read just before I go to sleep at night and I have so many unread books at home.
13.) I have a toy collection at home. I collect different toys from Monsters, Inc. and I already have lots of Mike and Sulley toys. I also collect the Little Green Men from Toy Story (those cute three-eyed green aliens!). I also collect other toys from Harry Potter, the Transformers and Marvel.
14.) I’m a very patient and understanding person but people shouldn’t test my limits. When I get mad, I get really mad. And I get really personal.
15.) I have four siblings – two older brothers and two older sisters. It was actually fun growing up with many siblings. We can form Voltes V, Voltron or the Bioman and I’d be Little John, Pidge or Blue 3 (always the youngest in the group). Until now, we still complement each other since we are in different fields – medicine, the academe, computers, psychology and law.
16.) I am very family oriented and family always comes first for me. I’d stand up for all my family members at any given time. We’re not the types who would be very vocal or affectionate about our love for each other but we’re a pretty close-knit bunch.
17.) I love art but art doesn’t love me. I wish I could sketch, draw, sculpt, paint or take good photographs.
18.) Among the jobs I dreamt of doing when I was the kid are the following: priest, businessman, President of the
19.) I am claustrophobic and acrophobic. My balls get all shaken up when I’m in enclosed spaces and in very high places, especially when I can see the view way down below.
20.) Before I die, I’d want to bungee jump, ski, sky dive and go rappelling on a mountain.
21.) I really, really, really want to join Survivor or Amazing Race. I honestly feel I could win in both. If only I didn’t have problems with my kidneys, I would’ve already joined a long time ago.
22.) Contrary to popular belief, I’m not very comfortable with positions of leadership. I prefer staying away from the limelight and just doing whatever responsibility is given me. However, if the responsibility given to me is that of leading, I would still rise up to challenge and give it my best shot.
23.) I don’t know how to do small talk with older people, most especially persons of authority. I’ve always avoided small talk with professors, my bosses and clients.
24.) If I could, I’d live in
25.) I am basically a drifter – I run along where life takes me. However, of late, I have decided that I will try to put my foot down on certain things and already make decisions by myself, instead of going with the flow.
Before partaking of New Year’s Eve’s media noche, mom led the thanksgiving prayer and was saying her usual litany of thanking the Almighty for all the blessings we have received throughout the year, for family, for friends, etc. etc. I was zoning out of the prayer and was already focusing on the scrumptious meal awaiting my eager stomach when mom said I line that struck me and made me re-think my life: “Thank you, Lord, for the struggles we face each day.” Should we really be thankful for all the stress and worries and problems that have haunted us, made us lose sleep, distanced ourselves from others and maybe even endangered our lives and our health?
I’ll be the first to admit that 2008 wasn’t a good year for me.
During the start of the year, I’ve begun to doubt myself vis-à-vis my work – I felt that I was not cut out for my job and this went on for the entire year. I began to think of other possible opportunities but I did not act on them, consistent with my motto of “going with the flow.” I endured all those sleepless nights when all I can think about was a deal I can possibly botch or the consequences of a pleading I may have failed to file.
I experienced death of a really close relative for the first time. My Inay passed away some time in April albeit not unexpectedly. She has been based in the
Speaking of family, so many changes occurred during the past year. I still maintain a close bond with my family but with the marriage of another sibling of mine during late 2007, I suddenly found myself alone in our house with my parents. Not that I spent much time at home last year, but suddenly the house just felt so empty. Everyone else was moving forward and here I was stuck in a moment. We still managed to have family dinners and my siblings would come visit us at home but it was already different. Also, it was the first time that I spent Christmas Eve dinner with just my parents. From a big family of seven, it was weird to have Christmas dinner with just three people on the table.
Health-wise, my lab results show that I’ve been pretty much stable, although my doctor has been noticing the amount of stress I’ve been going through the entire year, mostly because of work. I myself noticed that I’ve been getting sickly the past year with the perennial cough and heavy colds and the occasional fever. I was already told by my doctor that having a good career isn’t worth it if I’m not in perfect health, especially with my condition. Health has taken a backseat from other “more important” things I attended to in 2008.
I went through some paradigm shift as well as regards the way I look through life the past year. I’ve come to realize that being nice to everyone doesn’t pay; in fact, you’ll even find yourself more in debt. I’ve learned the value of keeping only a few friends, instead of trying to make lots of friends the way I did previously. Despite such perspective, I’ve managed to toy with some relationships and keep some only for convenience. I’ve desperately been longing for “me” time instead of time with others. I’ve explored places where I can just sit down and think about things and life in general; I’ve explored scenes where I thought I would find happiness, only to find out that such is only fleeting. Also, last year was the time that I questioned my faith and I started undoing rituals I’ve been doing my entire lifetime simply because they no longer sat well with me and my innermost beliefs. I no longer wished to do religious things just because they are required but because I deeply felt that these would nourish my soul and enrich my relationship with the Eternal Being.
Perhaps one of the biggest depressions I had for 2008 is that I lost the ability and the urge to write. It wasn’t because I didn’t have time to write and it certainly wasn’t because I didn’t have things to write about. I just lost it. I was so out of it the entire year that I lost every motivation I had to do things with extra vigor and magis, and it pained me that even my writing has taken a toll for it.
With all these and more, should I really be thankful for all these struggles? I don’t want to end this with the cliché that all these problems make me a better person, and that the difficulties in life we face build character, that kind of sh*t. I’ll admit that I still can’t include in my prayers the thanksgiving for all these struggles because I feel I won’t be sincere if I say it. Instead, I end with a note that all these struggles make one hopeful. Well, it makes ME hopeful that something better may and will turn out of my life in the future. I may be unsure of what the future will bring me but, applying the law of averages, all these struggles only increase the possibility of a better and a more struggle-free tomorrow. I remain hopeful for 2009!
