Pre-Transplant

As my operation day nears I am filled with anxiety and a little bit of fear. It is, after all, a major operation. At least I face this challenge prepared and without the slightest bit of apprehension. Fear, perhaps, but not doubt that I truly want this surgery.

I shall be admitted (or as my mom would like to put it, I’ll “check-in”) in the hospital for at least a week. Thereafter, I expect to be bedridden for a number of days. Thus, I shall stay out of touch from this blog for a certain period of time. I shall miss this of course. I’ll still try to post one last entry before I go to the hospital, but until then, good bye for now!

Hodgepodge of thoughts

Today was my baby niece’s baptism. It was a joyous occasion for us especially since this was the first baptism of a ‘pamangkin’ in our immediate family. Thus, everyone got involved in the preparations and the celebration. I, myself, was asked to be a godfather to the child (God bless her soul!). These are moments when I feel so old already. And these moments truly give me a sign – to move on without necessarily having to let go.

***

I have a scar that reminds me I’m not normal. I look at it every now and then and it reminds me, not of pain, but of reality.

Thus, it is said, “My child, when I tell you to, ‘Ask and you shall receive. Seek and you shall find. Knock and the door shall be opened for you,’ I do not advise you to ask, seek and knock but once or twice. Rather, I invite you to persevere. And through perseverance, the Lord grants at the right place and the right time.”

***

Right after my kidney transplant, my room needs to be really clean and germ-free because my doctor told me that I would be prone to infection. Thus, I have started my mission of reorganizing my room and tidying up all my things in it for it be ready for post operation. Over the years, all the papers and folders and little belongings of mine seem to have just piled up into a huge mess on the floor and on top of my table. As I was going through my things, I realized why my things are always so messy – I like to keep little mementos of different memories and they all end up like clutter! I have kept so many ID’s, notes passed during class, pictures, cutouts from magazines, little figurines and so many others that I don’t know where to place anymore!
Perhaps sometimes, it’s hard for me to let go of things that would make me remember cherished memories. I should learn to let go of these earthly things and merely hold on to the memories that will last forever.

***

Here’s a very inspirational text message that a friend sent me: (Thanks R!)

Sometimes if you work hard enough, you can get what you want. But most times, what you want and what you get are two different things. Sometimes, God breaks our spirit to save our soul. Sometimes, He breaks our heart to make us whole. Sometimes, God sends us pain so we can be stronger. Although we can’t have everything we want, we can want everything we have.

Please

Please spare me the agony of prolonged pain and suffering.
Please let me move on and let time pass by swiftly.
Please let me be in solitude as I find peace in myself.
Please give me a moment to weep alone while hiding.

I know in the end it’s not entirely up to me.
But for now, please spare me and let me be.

Play

A good basketball game can have us all in the edge of our seats.
Games are all about the glory,
the pain and the play-by-play.
And then there are the more solitary games
The games we each play by ourselves
The social games, the mind games --
we use them to pass time,
to make life more interesting
to distract us from what’s really going on.

There are those of us who love to play games
Any game
And there are those of us who like to play
a little too much.

So go ahead, argue with the refs, change the rules, cheat a little.
Take a break and tend to your wounds.
But play.
Play.
Play hard, play fast.
Play loose and free.
Play as if there’s no tomorrow.
Okay, it’s not whether you win or lose.
It’s how you play the game.

- Grey’s Anatomy, Episode 22 Season 2

Moving Out and Moving On

Moving Out.
A couple of days ago, I went back to my apartment in Makati where I stayed for my final semester in Law School and during bar review period. My lease contract was about to expire, thus I went that day to fix my things and get them ready for moving out. I was setting aside all my (numerous) books and reviewers, throwing all the trash (mostly photocopied materials I never got to read), and of course, reminiscing all the good and bad memories through mementos I’ve kept the entire year. I never thought I’d say this considering I left my apartment and all the things in it behind abruptly right after my last Bar exam, but damn will I really miss this place.

My apartment was the place where I felt most normal – I was alone, independent, honest and healthy. It was a place where I became the most studious and most courageous. It was a place where I actually had time for myself. It was also a venue for our poker nights and even a class party way back during our sophomore year in law school.

That day, I was preparing all my things to get them ready for moving out and start moving on.

Moving On.
A couple of weeks have passed since the final Sunday of the bar exams. I have spent most of my time preparing for my upcoming and much needed kidney transplant. If everything goes well, I’d have my operation by the end of this month.

All my work-ups for the transplant just got on fast track as soon as I was through with the bar. I found myself going to hospitals for different tests, I had longer dialysis, and my doctor and nurses were closely monitoring me to make sure that I keep myself fit to undergo surgery. I was doing my part of the job by preparing myself physically, mentally and spiritually. I had some time for myself to intake everything that’s happening right now and have come to terms with myself and my fate. I realized that my life has always been a case of delayed gratification. That’s what’s my life has always been about. I know everything will come at the right time – not necessarily MY time, but right nonetheless. As of the moment, I just have to learn to move on and go with the flow.

Of typhoons, babies, fight club and school spirit

Let it be put on record that September 28, 2006 is the day super typhoon ‘Milenyo’ struck Metro Manila and nearby provinces thus wreaking havoc to the said areas. Now everything has been said and written about the calamity: the day-long brownouts (or is it black outs?), the cut-off water supply (which is more important: electricity or water?), the destructive billboards (Bayani Fernando’s now singing “Told you so!”), all the uprooted and cut trees that blocked the roads (our pili and caimito trees included) and all the people who became either stranded (in road traffic or otherwise) or homeless. I guess I don’t want to reiterate those things any longer (Oh, but I just did!). I just wanted to immortalize the day Milenyo fell upon our country because PAG-ASA said that a typhoon this strong hasn’t hit the Metro in the last eleven years. Here’s a fave quote I heard while I was listening to the news: “Calamities can bring out the best and the worst out of people.” Indeed, indeed.

***

Because of the brownout, my brother, my sister-in-law and my barely 2-month old niece went to our house to stay here for a while. I was evicted from the room I was staying at but it was nonetheless a pleasant experience as I found myself enjoying the company of my baby niece (my soon-to-be inaanak!). I was never fond of babies. Perhaps it’s because I’m the youngest in the family. I’M supposed to be the baby. But having my niece around and actually taking care of her (I held a baby for the first time!) makes me feel more responsible and mature. And besides, she’s just so damn adorable! Thus, let it be put on record that I am officially no longer the baby of the family. I have relinquished my throne and have gladly passed it on to my niece.

***

Last Saturday was also the first time I went out with my friends since the bar ended. It was such a big sigh of relief since I either just stayed at home to rest or go to the hospital for check-up or treatment since the final Sunday of the bar. And yes, let it be put on record (as I have already mentioned before) that Fight Club really rocks! And last Saturday, we even had recruits. He he! It’s nice to know that you have loyal friends who will be there for you no matter what. I know that it’ll be quite a while till we have our next ‘meeting’ but for now, the last one will get me through…

***

And finally, let it be put on record that WIN OR LOSE, ATENEO IS THE SCHOOL I CHOOSE. It was definitely a heart-breaking event watching the Ateneo Seniors Basketball team lose against UST in the Finals today. Ateneo definitely plays with a lot of passion and a big heart. The team was having such a brilliant game but somehow, the UST Tigers snatched the championship from them.
I was once part of a varsity team for Ateneo and I definitely still have the school spirit until now. It was a sad defeat but Ateneo still won the hearts of many when it fought until it could and stood tall when it fell short in the end.